Narcissism can be considered the shadow side of healthy self love where a person falls in love with an image of who they think they are rather than their true self. Narcissistic behaviour will go to extreme lengths to protect this image. Narcissists are disconnected from their true nature and enjoy using patriarchal tools of control, division, establishing hierarchy, and fostering competition to meet their needs. Matriarchal qualities, on the other hand, favour letting go, unity, equality and cooperation. I see that the dual reality is more paternalistic, whereas oneness is anchored in a matriarchal mindset (Please note that in my teachings patriarchal and matriarchal have nothing to do with gender so please do not go into any gender bias here). So, what causes narcissism?
Shame leads to narcissism
Shame is archetypal and thrives in duality and dies in oneness. What does this mean? Basically the more you live in a reality where you judge something as worthy/unworthy, right/wrong, good/bad the more you will live in a place of shame. On the other hand, when you are able to move to a place of oneness where everything is perfect just the way it is there is no shame because there is no judgment of right/wrong, beautiful/ugly and good/ bad. There is simply what is.
Shame goes hand in hand with judgment
Wherever there is judgment there will be fear. Wherever there is fear there will be shame. Ergo judgment, fear and shame are one and the same. There can be shame in being a woman, but also in being a man; in being poor, but also in being rich; in being ugly, but also in being beautiful; in being young, but also in being old… Remove the fear and the judgment and you remove the shame.
Judgment….. > Fear ….. > Shame
What is at the root of shame?
The root of it all in my opinion is the fear of being “you”- a “you” that is unique and different from the rest. I believe this fear is deeply ingrained because of the fear of being judged. Who likes to be judged? From working with many clients over the years, not many is the answer. What would you do to avoid being judged? What have you done in the past to avoid being judged? What have you judged? Take a few minutes, breathe and notice what comes up for you….
Perhaps you felt compelled to hide your true thoughts and feelings to fit in, to not stand up for something you believed in, or conversely, to stand up for something you did not believe in. Whatever strategy you chose, you chose it for a reason that made sense to you at the time. Thankfully, you can now learn more about your fears and how to move past them so you can live mindfully in my Ten Week Mindful Living Program which begins September 19, 2019 in Montreal. You will finally get all the answers you need to love yourself for who you are, just the way you are.
The root of all shame is pretending you are like everyone else and hiding your uniqueness
How are shame and narcissism connected?
The more someone buys into the dual reality of the patriarchy, the more that person is surrounded by judgment and fear. As a result, he may feel pushed by the need to prove that he is right at all costs. Narcissists do this by elevating themselves by putting others down. A narcissist cannot see her own perfection so cannot rely on her own inner power to elevate herself. Consequently, she steals it from others. Learn more about narcissism by reading my blogs on narcissism .
How to heal shame?
The more you buy into a story that being “you” is wrong, the more difficult it will be for you to remember your true self. When you can tap into the perfection of your true nature, you can heal the deep seated shame of being uniquely you and find your place in the oneness of life.
Oneness Does Not Mean Sameness
Just like your arm is different from your leg- they are both one with your body and when they work together they can help you get from point A to point B more efficiently than if you relied on one or the other. So too are you different from your neighbour, but just as important.
When you heal shame, you can heal any narcissist tendencies you have that you or anyone else is better/worse, superior/inferior, or more/less worthy somehow. Here are three steps to heal shame:
- Practice self- acceptance: Step out of judgment and fear
- Build community that is right for you: Find your tribe
- Show vulnerability: Connect to your inner perfection
To properly understand how to remember the perfection that you are and have always been and to apply the principles you need so you and your loved ones can heal from shame once and for all, it’s important to read Stepping into Consciousness- A Guide to Living a Life of Joy, Meaning, and Abundance.
Get your personalized copy of Stepping into Consciousness- A Guide to Living a Life of Joy, Meaning, & Abundance Today.
Nicole Rolland is the author of “Stepping into Consciousness- A Guide to Living a Life of Joy, Meaning, and Abundance” and the owner of Nicole Rolland Yoga & Meditation (NRYM)- Yoga, Meditation and Mindfulness Coaching
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